Not understanding

I don't know when it gets easier.  Or if it really ever does.

Deployment, I mean.

We have been SO blessed to have been stationed stateside each time he's gone away.  This time, though.  It's entirely different.  And not in a good way.

Being in Germany, for our family, has been hard.  We've lost, loved, laughed and cried.  And no matter our amazing friends we have, it's so hard to be left behind with no family support.  Nothing familiar.

Leading up to this deployment felt so different for both of us.  He has only been home for a year (which he was gone for 12 months on a remote) and now is gone again.  I'm not saying it is or isn't fair- neither of which I support.  It just is.  And it sucks.  Neither of us were ready this go-round.  We cried, we hugged, we soaked up what we could.  As much as I would allow that is.

I pull away.  I do it every time he leaves.  It's almost as if my head and heart cannot agree, and cannot comprehend that pushing him away will make things harder.  I try to wall myself off and busy myself with things other than the deployment looming in front of us.  He notices it.  I know he does.

So, I hug him.  I kiss him.  I tell him I love him.  My emotions are so raw, that it's easier, for the moment at least- to cut them out.  Pretend it isn't happening.

But then it does.  The last two days I was attached to his hip.  I wouldn't leave his side, I wouldn't let go of his hand.  All the while silently kicking myself for the distance I put between us the weeks prior.  Being mad at myself for not getting all of him while I could.  Because those last two days, were heaven and hell mixed into one.  We couldn't hold ourselves together, knowing that he was going to be absent, yet again, for part of our lives.  He'd miss out on so much with the kids and I, and it hurts.  But loving him?  It's easy.  It's something I can do.  So I will.  It's not easy being alone.  It's not easy bringing up the kids alone.  It's not easy going to bed alone. But loving him?  That is.

So we hug good bye.  Kiss good bye.  The kids get their loves.  Then we stand, the three of us, and wave good bye until we can no longer see him.  Tears are streaming down my face, even though I vowed I wouldn't cry.  I needed to be strong for our kids.  They get it this time.  They know Daddy is leaving.  I have to be strong for them.  But in that moment, I couldn't.  This was the hardest good bye yet.  He left, and I immediately felt an empty hurt inside.

The first day and night is always the hardest.  I laid in bed, and cuddled his shirt that still smelled of him and cried.  I felt like I was back in High School, but I just couldn't help it.  I guess the older we get, the purer things are, the more you appreciate things.

Obviously, I made it through- us military spouses always do.  We're pretty awesome like that.

Did you know.....?

I just wanted to post a few facts about Germany.  There are a few fun ones, and very interesting... if you ask me anyway! =)

Did you know....

: Germany is only slightly smaller than the state of Montana?

:You would have to try one type of Germany bread each and every day for almost a year to be able to taste them all.  There are over 300 types of German Bread!

:Dogs are treated like Kings in Germany.  They are permitted into restaurants and stores.  Even have their own pools.

:Germans are the second largest beer consumers in the world. (Aside from the Irish of course)

:Gummy bears were invented by a German.

:Germany has over 400 zoos.  The most in the world.

:Holocaust Denial is a crime in Germany.

: Another crime in Germany, punishable by fine, is "flipping someone the bird."

:You have to bring your own shopping bag when going out to shop.  If you don't, they will sometimes have them to purchase.

:Tax in Germany is 19%!!!!!!

: Unlike many think, we drive on the same side of the road where we're headed as we do in the states!

: Our gas will be rationed!

:American cordless phones are illegal in Germany.  They interfere with the emergency lines.

:and while we're on that subject...... you dial 211 for emergency services instead of 911.

That's all for today!  Hope you enjoyed your history lesson! 



Bleach in large amounts is the devil.

So, for as long as I can remember BL has wanted me to go BLONDE with my hair.  Platinum blonde.  Well, about a week and a half ago, I finally did it.  Well- not AS blonde as a lot of people, there is still a lot of warmth in my hair since my hair pulls red so bad.  BUT, it's BLONDE.  Pictures don't do it justice. 

Now, usually when I do my hair, I just get highlights put in it, and I'm a "blonde" on a day to day basis, but with darker pieces, carmel pieces, and blonde pieces.... so therefore, I only go in about every 6 weeks for highlights (foils.)

So with this.  It's only been a week and a half mind you.  I am going insane.  I have dark grow out and feel like a freak.  Not to mention, from doing this, my hair FRIZZED like crazy.  Notice in the right picture?  My hair does have a tiny bit of frizz to it, but if I blow dry it while brushing it, it lays nice and silky.  Um, not anymore.  Just today in fact while I was blow drying, it got all hard to brush through and I ended up brushing a knot of hair out without even knowing what happened.  Until it happened that is. 

SO, needless to say.  NO more platinum for this chick.  I don't dig it.  Sorry BL, you're out of luck.

Cleaning out the cobwebs

I know I have been neglecting blog, and I have no excuse. I'm here to sweep away the cobwebs it's gathered. =)  I have this blog, and I also have a "family" blog with pics of the kids, etc to keep everyone in the loop.  And while I have a hard time deciding what post goes where, and who wants to read what, I have to honestly tell you, I've been neglecting both.

So.  Last time I left off- I'd explained that BL was heading to Greenland.  WELL.  He's there.  And he's been there for 6 months.  Yes, I am home with family, but sometimes that has it's downfalls too.  We have our follow on orders to Ramstein Germany (freaky deeky, but oh so exciting!!) so it isn't like I could just move there while he's gone like you can in the states. 

Our airport goodbye was one of the weirdest for me.  It was a mix of relief, trepidation, and utter sadness.  Don't run off yet- I'm not saying I don't love my husband and was glad he was going.  What I'm saying... is that while I was terrified of being apart from him for a year, with two kids... I was so SO relieved that he was going to Greenland instead of a 365 to Iraq.  Ugh, or Korea.  I hugged and kissed him knowing that he would return safely to my arms, and probably the worse thing I'd have to worry about was him getting eaten by a polar bear.  (Come to find out, base goes into lock down at the sighting of a polar bear on base...right?!)

I walked away from him that morning with tears rolling down my face, an empty space in my heart, and a very heavy feeling.  But deep down I knew he would be safe. 

Being away from your spouse is so scary.  Mind games galore.  You wonder if you will survive it.  Not physically, but emotionally.  Will your marriage stand up?  Will you grow apart, or grow closer?  Will you realize that you don't really need him after all, or fall more and more in love with him?  These are all things I worried about so much in the beginning.  Yes our marriage has stood up- even in a couple terrible terrible times.  While we don't talk as much as we did at first, we appreciate and love each other more now than before- that I am SO thankful for.

So there's a small update, and I promise to be back more often.  I need it- my head will explode if I don't vent somewhere.

umm.....

My daughter is keeping herself busy right now.

With what you ask?

An empty tampon box and an empty roll of TP. 

Awesome.

10 Commandments (Not your regular ones...)

I was just over at Boots in the Doorway and saw this.... And it is SO SO SO TRUE!  So I had to share it!  Completely cracks me up.  I am guilty of most =)

The Ten Commandments of a Military Spouse

1. Thou shalt not write in ink in thy address book.

2. Thou shalt not covet choice assignments.

3. Love thy neighbors from other branches of the service no matter how superior the Air Force may seem.

4. Honor all thy benefits for as long as they all shall live.

5. Be thou kind and gentle to retired, white-haired Commissary, Exchange, and Thrift Store customers, because someday thou too will be a retiree.

6. Thou shalt not threaten to, or kill thy children or spouse when your spouse is TDY or Deployed.

7. Thou shalt look for the best in every assignment even though the best may refer to “most childhood diseases in one year” or “record snow in one month’s time”.

8. Thou shalt remember all thy friends from all thy assignments with holiday greeting cards, for thou never knowest when thou may wish to spendeth the night with them while en route to a new duty station.

9. Thou shalt not curse your spouse when s/he is TDY/Deployed during moving days, holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.

10. Thou must never arrive at a new duty station and constantly speaketh about how much better thy last base was.

Wordless Wednesday