Not understanding

I don't know when it gets easier.  Or if it really ever does.

Deployment, I mean.

We have been SO blessed to have been stationed stateside each time he's gone away.  This time, though.  It's entirely different.  And not in a good way.

Being in Germany, for our family, has been hard.  We've lost, loved, laughed and cried.  And no matter our amazing friends we have, it's so hard to be left behind with no family support.  Nothing familiar.

Leading up to this deployment felt so different for both of us.  He has only been home for a year (which he was gone for 12 months on a remote) and now is gone again.  I'm not saying it is or isn't fair- neither of which I support.  It just is.  And it sucks.  Neither of us were ready this go-round.  We cried, we hugged, we soaked up what we could.  As much as I would allow that is.

I pull away.  I do it every time he leaves.  It's almost as if my head and heart cannot agree, and cannot comprehend that pushing him away will make things harder.  I try to wall myself off and busy myself with things other than the deployment looming in front of us.  He notices it.  I know he does.

So, I hug him.  I kiss him.  I tell him I love him.  My emotions are so raw, that it's easier, for the moment at least- to cut them out.  Pretend it isn't happening.

But then it does.  The last two days I was attached to his hip.  I wouldn't leave his side, I wouldn't let go of his hand.  All the while silently kicking myself for the distance I put between us the weeks prior.  Being mad at myself for not getting all of him while I could.  Because those last two days, were heaven and hell mixed into one.  We couldn't hold ourselves together, knowing that he was going to be absent, yet again, for part of our lives.  He'd miss out on so much with the kids and I, and it hurts.  But loving him?  It's easy.  It's something I can do.  So I will.  It's not easy being alone.  It's not easy bringing up the kids alone.  It's not easy going to bed alone. But loving him?  That is.

So we hug good bye.  Kiss good bye.  The kids get their loves.  Then we stand, the three of us, and wave good bye until we can no longer see him.  Tears are streaming down my face, even though I vowed I wouldn't cry.  I needed to be strong for our kids.  They get it this time.  They know Daddy is leaving.  I have to be strong for them.  But in that moment, I couldn't.  This was the hardest good bye yet.  He left, and I immediately felt an empty hurt inside.

The first day and night is always the hardest.  I laid in bed, and cuddled his shirt that still smelled of him and cried.  I felt like I was back in High School, but I just couldn't help it.  I guess the older we get, the purer things are, the more you appreciate things.

Obviously, I made it through- us military spouses always do.  We're pretty awesome like that.

Did you know.....?

I just wanted to post a few facts about Germany.  There are a few fun ones, and very interesting... if you ask me anyway! =)

Did you know....

: Germany is only slightly smaller than the state of Montana?

:You would have to try one type of Germany bread each and every day for almost a year to be able to taste them all.  There are over 300 types of German Bread!

:Dogs are treated like Kings in Germany.  They are permitted into restaurants and stores.  Even have their own pools.

:Germans are the second largest beer consumers in the world. (Aside from the Irish of course)

:Gummy bears were invented by a German.

:Germany has over 400 zoos.  The most in the world.

:Holocaust Denial is a crime in Germany.

: Another crime in Germany, punishable by fine, is "flipping someone the bird."

:You have to bring your own shopping bag when going out to shop.  If you don't, they will sometimes have them to purchase.

:Tax in Germany is 19%!!!!!!

: Unlike many think, we drive on the same side of the road where we're headed as we do in the states!

: Our gas will be rationed!

:American cordless phones are illegal in Germany.  They interfere with the emergency lines.

:and while we're on that subject...... you dial 211 for emergency services instead of 911.

That's all for today!  Hope you enjoyed your history lesson! 



Bleach in large amounts is the devil.

So, for as long as I can remember BL has wanted me to go BLONDE with my hair.  Platinum blonde.  Well, about a week and a half ago, I finally did it.  Well- not AS blonde as a lot of people, there is still a lot of warmth in my hair since my hair pulls red so bad.  BUT, it's BLONDE.  Pictures don't do it justice. 

Now, usually when I do my hair, I just get highlights put in it, and I'm a "blonde" on a day to day basis, but with darker pieces, carmel pieces, and blonde pieces.... so therefore, I only go in about every 6 weeks for highlights (foils.)

So with this.  It's only been a week and a half mind you.  I am going insane.  I have dark grow out and feel like a freak.  Not to mention, from doing this, my hair FRIZZED like crazy.  Notice in the right picture?  My hair does have a tiny bit of frizz to it, but if I blow dry it while brushing it, it lays nice and silky.  Um, not anymore.  Just today in fact while I was blow drying, it got all hard to brush through and I ended up brushing a knot of hair out without even knowing what happened.  Until it happened that is. 

SO, needless to say.  NO more platinum for this chick.  I don't dig it.  Sorry BL, you're out of luck.

Cleaning out the cobwebs

I know I have been neglecting blog, and I have no excuse. I'm here to sweep away the cobwebs it's gathered. =)  I have this blog, and I also have a "family" blog with pics of the kids, etc to keep everyone in the loop.  And while I have a hard time deciding what post goes where, and who wants to read what, I have to honestly tell you, I've been neglecting both.

So.  Last time I left off- I'd explained that BL was heading to Greenland.  WELL.  He's there.  And he's been there for 6 months.  Yes, I am home with family, but sometimes that has it's downfalls too.  We have our follow on orders to Ramstein Germany (freaky deeky, but oh so exciting!!) so it isn't like I could just move there while he's gone like you can in the states. 

Our airport goodbye was one of the weirdest for me.  It was a mix of relief, trepidation, and utter sadness.  Don't run off yet- I'm not saying I don't love my husband and was glad he was going.  What I'm saying... is that while I was terrified of being apart from him for a year, with two kids... I was so SO relieved that he was going to Greenland instead of a 365 to Iraq.  Ugh, or Korea.  I hugged and kissed him knowing that he would return safely to my arms, and probably the worse thing I'd have to worry about was him getting eaten by a polar bear.  (Come to find out, base goes into lock down at the sighting of a polar bear on base...right?!)

I walked away from him that morning with tears rolling down my face, an empty space in my heart, and a very heavy feeling.  But deep down I knew he would be safe. 

Being away from your spouse is so scary.  Mind games galore.  You wonder if you will survive it.  Not physically, but emotionally.  Will your marriage stand up?  Will you grow apart, or grow closer?  Will you realize that you don't really need him after all, or fall more and more in love with him?  These are all things I worried about so much in the beginning.  Yes our marriage has stood up- even in a couple terrible terrible times.  While we don't talk as much as we did at first, we appreciate and love each other more now than before- that I am SO thankful for.

So there's a small update, and I promise to be back more often.  I need it- my head will explode if I don't vent somewhere.

umm.....

My daughter is keeping herself busy right now.

With what you ask?

An empty tampon box and an empty roll of TP. 

Awesome.

10 Commandments (Not your regular ones...)

I was just over at Boots in the Doorway and saw this.... And it is SO SO SO TRUE!  So I had to share it!  Completely cracks me up.  I am guilty of most =)

The Ten Commandments of a Military Spouse

1. Thou shalt not write in ink in thy address book.

2. Thou shalt not covet choice assignments.

3. Love thy neighbors from other branches of the service no matter how superior the Air Force may seem.

4. Honor all thy benefits for as long as they all shall live.

5. Be thou kind and gentle to retired, white-haired Commissary, Exchange, and Thrift Store customers, because someday thou too will be a retiree.

6. Thou shalt not threaten to, or kill thy children or spouse when your spouse is TDY or Deployed.

7. Thou shalt look for the best in every assignment even though the best may refer to “most childhood diseases in one year” or “record snow in one month’s time”.

8. Thou shalt remember all thy friends from all thy assignments with holiday greeting cards, for thou never knowest when thou may wish to spendeth the night with them while en route to a new duty station.

9. Thou shalt not curse your spouse when s/he is TDY/Deployed during moving days, holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.

10. Thou must never arrive at a new duty station and constantly speaketh about how much better thy last base was.

Wordless Wednesday

Preschool, Pre-K.... what the heck?

So my son will be 4 in one week.  ONE WEEK.  I can't believe he's getting so big already- it's crazy to me.  Since he's been born, he has not spent one single day in daycare.  BL and I decided when I got pregnant with him that I would be a stay at home mom to our kids, and he wouldn't be the one that brings home the bacon.  So that we did.  I take pride that I can stay home with him, watch him grow, even though some days I want to glue him to the wall. 

BUT

He will be starting school this year.  I am freaking out, a lot but only a little bit.  BL leaves for Greenland, so Austin won't be starting school in our new town until mid-November.  So I call this school that I know is a great one, have heard rave things about.  I can't get him in yet unless I want to pay the registration fee, plus start paying his monthly tuition from the beginning of school until November.  That's the only way I can hold his spot.  Um, we don't have the money for that.  Not until we get the extra moola from Greenland.  (and why is it that Greenland is full of ice, and Iceland is green?) So I have to call when we get into town and see if there's a spot that's opened up for him. 

Which brings me to the title of the post.  If he would have went last year, he would have been in "pre-school."  Since he's going to be 4, he will be in "Pre-K."  Ooookay.  And the price!  It made my jaw drop.  Literally.  It's $195.00 for a registration fee, PLUS $195.00 PER MONTH.  Is this school really worth it?  My best friends little girl goes here, and her daughter loves this place.  She learns so much, and most importantly learns about Jesus and his disciples.  But $195.00 for things he could learn in Sunday School.  What would you do?  Try to find a cheaper Christian preschool, or stick it out and pay?  Oh- and if he would be going to the "Pre-School" it would only be $145.00 a month.  That, I can swallow!

August already?

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when BL leaves for a year.  Yes, I'll be home with family, yes I'll have a support system.  But my sidekick?  Not so much. 

Right now, I'm sick, and my daughter is very sick.  He's on nights, so when I'm up with the kids, he's in bed.  Being sick and taking care of a sick kid is tiring in its self.  Add in a hyper, cabin fevered 4 year old, and it spells C-H-A-O-S.  It's hard not to lose my temper, to keep my cool.  Yesterday I found myself counting down the hours until bedtime.  That isn't fair to him, at all.  I feel bad that I'm out of commission, and all he wants to do is play. 

I told him to go play in the backyard with the dog yesterday.  Do you want to know what he came in and said to me? 

"Mama, I found a spider!!"

A spider?  What does it look like?

"It's black and has woooong wegs."

Okay show me where it is Mr. Austin.

So, he takes me to the spot he saw the spider.  Low and behold... a nasty black widow.  What would have happened if he started playing with it, while I was inside with a sleeping baby on my chest?  I keep running through this in my head, and it's like hitting myself against a brick wall. 

Mommy fail.

All I gotta say, is that I am glad BL was here to kill it when he woke up. Me and spiders, we're not friends.  I hope someone will be killing these nasty spiders for me when BL is gone for the year.  Or I don't know if I will be able to dig my sanity out of the hole it fell into.

This thing called time? It flies.

I swear 'time' has wings. I remember when BLH first got his orders to Greenland, it seemed like it was light years away. In reality, only 7 months. I remember us talking about how "It's still 7 months away, that's tons of time." But now, today, it's exactly 3 months away. I think it's really starting to settle in for both of us that he will be gone for an entire year. A whole year with no husband, no father, no companion, no sidekick, no texts, no cuddles on the couch, no warm body in bed. A year. We are trying to busy our minds by trying to think of things that he will need over there, material things, that will make the time pass a little faster. A computer, movies, digital picture frame, camera, games, nice comfy sheets. It's so much different this time, than it was when he deployed. When he deployed, I knew, God willing, that he would be home in 4-6 months. But this time. This time, he will be home in 6 months, but he has to leave again. A quick jaunt to Washington, and he'll be back on that jet plane to the middle of no where.

I can't imagine what is going through his head. What he thinks about. I don't think I could do what he does. I don't think I'm strong enough. I have so much respect for him, it's unreal. Being away from my spouse and kids for a year; to be somewhere with no one familiar, somewhere so desolate. I can't even imagine. I am so thankful that there are a lot of things to do where he's going to keep him busy. To keep him going. I am also insanely thankful that there is Skype, and telephones, and Internet. I have started brainstorming millions of things that the kids and I can do for him and send over so he gets things in the mail often. Something to look forward to, something to make him smile, and feel wanted and loved. And thought about.

Anyways, just had to vent. My brain hasn't shut off for a day now, and things are starting to feel really intense. BLH always makes fun of me for missing something before it's gone, but I already miss him.

Up and Running

So off I am on another blog.  I have a family blog to keep our friends and family around the world updated on our lives, how we're doing, how the kids are growing.  But I longed for something else.  A way to vent, a way to get it all out there without needing to censor myself.  If I want to use less than lady-like language---which I never do---cough cough--, I can.  If I want to be down I can be without a million people hounding my back asking me if I am okay. I want to write what I want to write about- not only about the family and the kids.  I wanted some sort of sense of understanding.  And by reading the millions of blogs that I do daily, I've come to see the sense of friendship people form, the bond they have, the support network.  And while my husband does not get this, nor will he ever, I do.  And I want it.  So here I am!

A little background might be helpful?  Probably.

I met the man who is now my husband when I was about to be a Freshman, I believe.  In High School, mind you.  I was having a sleep over at a girlfriends house and she said that a couple guys were going to come over because one of them was going to be leaving for Basic in a couple days.  Me, I was okay with this.  Insanely boy crazy- and I was sure they had to be cute.  One ended up marrying me, and the other ended up being one of my best friends, still do this day.
We flirted the night away, and I even scored a back massage.  He left for basic 2 days later, and we didn't talk again for what seemed like years.  In reality it was about 5 months.  We ended up starting the old school pen and paper, and it eventually led to a few phone calls.  His next leave he took, we spent every minute we could together.  By the end of his leave, I 'thought' I loved him.  But I was worried that it was just a new fling feeling- a rather intense one- and that I'd wait awhile and see how it went.  I was young after all, but that aspect felt so grown up.  So matured. 
His next leave home I knew.  When the thought of marrying this man crossed my mind, I didn't run.  The boy crazies I talked of earlier weren't in the picture.  It was him.  I loved him.  Loved him. And it turned out, he loved me too. 
Fast forward- we got engaged, I was still in High School, which made it a little awkward for me, and probably for him as well.  He was at his duty station, which was clear across the country from me.  We were apart for a long time.  Only seeing each other on 2 week leaves. Communication was a huge skill we both had to learn, and it wasn't easy.  We stuck it out- and engaged we were.  I graduated High School and married him a month later.  We ran away in the sunset to balmy South Carolina and set up shop. 
We lived on base there for a couple years, and it was the hardest years of my life.  Learning to live with a man, who in retrospect, I barely knew.  Being away from my huge family, when I'd never been away before.  And can we say culture shock? Yeah, a touch.  We hit rough patches, we fought, but we always made up. We grew together, learned about each other, and thank God we liked what we learned! 
Three years after we got married, we learned we were pregnant with our first child.  We also got orders to a new base closer to family.  We up and moved, and were so excited we could hardly stand it.  We, we, were going to have a family of our own. 
We moved to Idaho, had our baby boy, and once again, set up shop again.  We spent money we didn't have, but on the boy we did have.  We were blissfully happy, and two years later decided to give him a sibling.  It took us 8 months to get pregnant, but when that test popped positive- it was the best day on earth.  Our baby girl is now 14 months old- and full of piss and vinegar.  She is so opposite of her laid back (now back talking) brother it's crazy.  Some days I lose my mind.  Most days actually.  But I love it.
And now?  My husband has orders to Greenland for a year, where the family is not authorized to go, and then afterwards, we will be off to Germany!  GERMANY people, GERMANY!  We can't wait.

SO, there's my back story in a nutshell. 

For another day......