Not understanding

I don't know when it gets easier.  Or if it really ever does.

Deployment, I mean.

We have been SO blessed to have been stationed stateside each time he's gone away.  This time, though.  It's entirely different.  And not in a good way.

Being in Germany, for our family, has been hard.  We've lost, loved, laughed and cried.  And no matter our amazing friends we have, it's so hard to be left behind with no family support.  Nothing familiar.

Leading up to this deployment felt so different for both of us.  He has only been home for a year (which he was gone for 12 months on a remote) and now is gone again.  I'm not saying it is or isn't fair- neither of which I support.  It just is.  And it sucks.  Neither of us were ready this go-round.  We cried, we hugged, we soaked up what we could.  As much as I would allow that is.

I pull away.  I do it every time he leaves.  It's almost as if my head and heart cannot agree, and cannot comprehend that pushing him away will make things harder.  I try to wall myself off and busy myself with things other than the deployment looming in front of us.  He notices it.  I know he does.

So, I hug him.  I kiss him.  I tell him I love him.  My emotions are so raw, that it's easier, for the moment at least- to cut them out.  Pretend it isn't happening.

But then it does.  The last two days I was attached to his hip.  I wouldn't leave his side, I wouldn't let go of his hand.  All the while silently kicking myself for the distance I put between us the weeks prior.  Being mad at myself for not getting all of him while I could.  Because those last two days, were heaven and hell mixed into one.  We couldn't hold ourselves together, knowing that he was going to be absent, yet again, for part of our lives.  He'd miss out on so much with the kids and I, and it hurts.  But loving him?  It's easy.  It's something I can do.  So I will.  It's not easy being alone.  It's not easy bringing up the kids alone.  It's not easy going to bed alone. But loving him?  That is.

So we hug good bye.  Kiss good bye.  The kids get their loves.  Then we stand, the three of us, and wave good bye until we can no longer see him.  Tears are streaming down my face, even though I vowed I wouldn't cry.  I needed to be strong for our kids.  They get it this time.  They know Daddy is leaving.  I have to be strong for them.  But in that moment, I couldn't.  This was the hardest good bye yet.  He left, and I immediately felt an empty hurt inside.

The first day and night is always the hardest.  I laid in bed, and cuddled his shirt that still smelled of him and cried.  I felt like I was back in High School, but I just couldn't help it.  I guess the older we get, the purer things are, the more you appreciate things.

Obviously, I made it through- us military spouses always do.  We're pretty awesome like that.